The Truth: Nobody Knows What They're Doing

We’re moving into week two of story-telling in our lives. Last week we discussed how we start to take in and create our own stories as children. If you missed last week’s discussion, you can still read the article and download the corresponding workbook.

This week is all about the stories we take on from society about how we’re supposed to “adult”. It’ll be great. Strap in, grab your coffee, and let’s get to it!

A common misconception is that as an adult, you miraculously have all the ingredients to live as a “normal”, high-functioning adult. But the dirty secret of adulthood is that not a single one of us has all of our poop in a group. Ever.

Just when we find clarity in one part of our lives, we face a whole lot of uncertainty somewhere else. We’re all that silly clown in the circus who beams with pride when they successfully juggle three pies, only to trip over their big shoes and have a whipped-cream loaded pie land on our face.

And that’s ok. Life is unpredictable and humbling. If we can have a sense of humor as we go about it, it’s a lot more fun. 

But how did we get to the place of feeling like we’re supposed to have everything together to begin with? Well, for one, much of our public and higher education is geared towards turning people into “productive members of society”. We have been domesticated to grow up and become workers. 

You might be thinking, “But Dr. Jess, of course we need to grow up to get jobs!  How else will we have our needs met? Money doesn’t grow on trees!”

Yes, we live in a world where you need money to make a living. But I would argue that this intense focus on being productive leads to bigger problems. When we teach people to tie their self-worth to their productivity at the expense of other important things, it leads to mental and physical health problems.

Another reason we find ourselves thinking we have to measure up has to do with how society shoves in our faces what a person is supposed to look, act, think, and live like. In her book The Body is Not An Apology, author Sonya Renee Taylor talks about how every single one of us falls short in one way or another of being this “ideal human.” We’re not white enough, thin enough, heterosexual enough, able-bodied enough, tall enough, young-enough, rich-enough, smart-enough, etc.

What happens when you feel like something is wrong with you? You look for ways to fix yourself and fit in. We seek ways to boost our dopamine to feel better. Advertisers are more than happy to sell you solutions.

We shrink ourselves, trying to hide our flaws from others. Or maybe we feel the need to constantly prove our worth. Maybe we puff ourselves up with fake confidence even though inside we never feel good enough. 

The less comfortable we feel in our skin (and our own minds), the less capable we are to weather life’s ups and downs. Our creativity goes out the window, our resilience dries up, we become anxious or depressed or angry. Some of us get to the point where we don’t see the point in waking up in the morning. 

More depressing stuff, Dr. Jess! What the hell! I thought you were supposed to make us feel good about the world. Where are the rainbows and unicorns?!

You’re right. This stuff is heavy. But you know what is the real solution to this problem? You.

You are the antidote to your own suffering. Not a new car, botox, a better job, a better boyfriend… Just you, baby. 

Sometimes it’s painful as hell to wake up and realize all of the ways you’ve disconnected from yourself over the years. But reconnecting with yourself is how you slowly come to feel good enough in your own skin. Because while other people can tell us what they've decided is important, what really matters is what’s important to YOU. 

Productivity isn’t everything. What about silliness? Creativity? Time with your children? Dancing? Honoring your health? Building community? Seeking out rewarding relationships?

You get to decide what matters to you and how you want to spend your time on this planet. There’s no “supposed to”, there’s just what is and what you actually do. 

Thursday you’ll receive a workbook to help you apply today’s thoughts to your own life. Next week we’ll look into the stories we’ve inherited from our ancestors. And if you haven’t yet,  be sure to join our group on Facebook, Self-Love and Self-Worth for Misfits for added support! 

See y'all on Thursday,

Dr. Jess